[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
You Might Also Like
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside