if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
*pronounces patio like ratio
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”