cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
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Weirdly Wednesday.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.