Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
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I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT