Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
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Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Some people were born into their job.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.