My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits