Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.