Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
im all 3
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Mood.. 😂
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.