[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
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Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Breaking news:
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Thursday Thought.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too