Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee