no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
oh u like geography? name every lake
BaD BoY!!
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.