My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
This week’s mood.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019