if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
You Might Also Like
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.