*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
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knights of the ikea table
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
that lip filler tho
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh