-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
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Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?