I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Kidney stones? Hard pass
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Any refunds available?…
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..