Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.