So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
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a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
crochet youtube is brutal
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.