I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
You Might Also Like
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Seems legit