Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
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ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
car not found
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.