I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
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Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.