Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
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I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange