LOOOOOOL
You Might Also Like
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
A great tip. #CakeRex
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”