[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
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me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
my first dose meeting my second
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
This kid will have a bright future.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.