Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
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Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
When the doctor asks about my sex life.