The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise