DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.