Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
It’s the weekend y’all
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
How animals would run if they were human
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee