Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
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[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.