[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
#Caturday
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas