Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
black phone good
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I will never stop laughing at this
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up