*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
You Might Also Like
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.