Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so