Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
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Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
This guy’s not having it 😆
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you