*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
You Might Also Like
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
How all things should be taught/explained.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*