TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
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(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA