This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
You Might Also Like
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”