my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
so this horse walks into a bar
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?