ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
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You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
LOL
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.