H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
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I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
do what now??
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.