The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
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I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
doing some research
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.