Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Hit me in the face with a bird
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
new wife guy just dropped
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.