Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
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Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.