I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
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This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
How your email finds me
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.