a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?