*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
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This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Finally!