wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*