Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
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Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.