Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Tony Hawk, age 6
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.