We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
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it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
#DesignFail
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
How dramatic are you?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.